more traditions: Thanksgiving

In accordance with some other posts on traditions this year, here's one for Thanksgiving (although a bit late). I appreciated being able to be home for this holiday, after a 2 year absence. A couple of things that make it unique:


Turkey Trot! I ran this local 5K with my sister in 2011 and since then it's been a yearly tradition for our family (various ones of us have run every year). This year ALL FIVE of us ran (plus SIL), which may have been a first. My sister lovingly labelled us SACDLGLCF: Siblings Against Chrohn's Disease, LGL, and Cystic Fibrosis

Seafood! Not necessarily an annual tradition, but often when we're celebrating more than one Thanksgiving meal, the one with the Heindels is seafood. I don't like seafood, but the fish and crabcakes were pretty good. :)

and sometime soon, I'm going to post about RETURNING!! Stay tuned...

Identity

A few months ago I posted on the challenges of this (long) season. As it has continued - through the bare winter branches and then snow-covered limbs, bright spring buds on the trees, full green forest hills and gardens, and now the beginning of the leaves changing and the garden slowing dying - I've had plenty of time to think and clarify some of the struggle. I love the seasons, but it's a lot of time to process. :)

It comes down to my identity. Or lack thereof.

Because during this season, I feel like I've lost anything and everything I once may have identified myself by, or how the world typically wants to label me.

I've lost independence (living at home and very dependent on my parents), and I question who I am as a daughter.
I've lost leadership - in a number of areas, but especially at church.
I've lost health - Because of that I lost the capacity to engage well with others.
Also because of that, I lost the ability and energy to exercise/run.
I've lost relationships - or at least they have significantly changed - and I question who I am as a sister and friend.
I've lost a significant income
I've lost a fulfilling job/role
Honestly, I've lost what feels like any type of role.
 (And for those who know Strengthsfinders, I'm an Achiever, which I think makes this season hit a little harder.)

All of these lead me to ask, "Who am I?" How do I stand firm and confident in who I am when all circumstances and the world tell me I'm not worth so much? I so easily lose my way and fall prey to the lies that I'm worthless and unlovable and not good enough; dwelling in this muck and clawing at something worthwhile to grasp onto. Anything. And too often placing blame on other people or circumstances for the way I'm feeling. Until I remember: this was not how I was created.

It's a slow pit to crawl out of, remembering that my identity is SUPPOSED to be in Christ. IS in Christ. It's not a new issue; I recognize it's a recurring theme in my life. So as I wait in "nothingness", what does it mean to BE in Christ and allow myself to be treasured there? Not doing. Being. And letting him speak his truth of who I am. Because I have not lost God's presence. Or his love. Or his delight in me. It's hard to keep those forefront in my heart and mind. But they're there, underneath the lies that want to keep popping their heads up. But even then, when I lose focus and base my worth on what I'm doing or how I compare with others, they are constant. That's worth something. So why do I ever stray from it?  Remind me the next time you see me.

Self-rejection is the greatest enemy of the spiritual life because it contradicts the Sacred voice that calls us "Beloved". Being the Beloved expresses the core truth of our existence....but it seems that I was also eager to listen to other, louder voices, saying: "Prove that you are worth something; do something relevant, spectacular, or powerful, and then you will earn the love you so desire." ... Aren't you hoping that some person, thing or event will come along to give you the final feeling of inner well-being you desire? Don't you often hope: "May this book, idea, course, trip, job, country or relationship fulfill my deepest desire." But as long as you are waiting for that mysterious moment you will go on running helter-skelter, always anxious and restless, always lustful and angry, never fully satisfied...This is the way to spiritual exhaustion and burn-out. This is the way to spiritual death. 

Well, you and I don't have to kill ourselves. We are the Beloved. 

Henri Nouwen, Life of the Beloved

Cherishing moments with little boys

One of the things I'm continually grateful for while I'm home is spending time with these guys - my nephews. I'm soaking it in, since I've missed so much of their growth and entertainment while I was gone and will in the future when I leave again. I missed the youngest one's birth (didn't meet him until he was 10 months old) and the toddler stage of the middle one. I'm so blessed that they all now recognize me and for the precious moments with them. I love you, Jace, Camden and Jaxon!

Mennonite heritage

While in the Czech, there weren't too many things I could say I missed. But this was one of them. Four part harmony, sung a cappella, in church. This is part of my spiritual/cultural background, and I still get chills in the midst of good 4-part singing; perhaps particularly because it doesn't happen very regularly or to this quality so often anymore. No, it's not musical perfection, but the quality - not from any choir, but by the members of the congregation - is what makes it special. And for all the Mennonites out there, singing 606 is being home. :) THIS I missed.

P.S. This video was put together for the music aspect, not the video. Excuse the poor quality of the video part. Shut your eyes if you need to. :)

P.S.S. I also have to add that this was a Sunday night hymn sing where I could have counted maybe a dozen people there under the age of 50 (out of 450 people or so). And I was one of, oh....maybe 5 women who was not wearing a dress or skirt. :)

reality of transitions

I'm realizing it's been 2 months since any kind of post. Oops. I haven't forgotten about it. It's just a bit difficult to know what to write about this season.  I don't have any great accomplishments or interesting (even very productive) involvements to share about.

Honestly, it's been a difficult season. I don't do well of long periods of unknowns, and there are a ton right now: how to raise the financial base to return to the Czech, how long it will take till I return, how to look for a job when time frames are unknown, getting ANY kind of job, health issues that would be best if they're somewhat resolved before I return. And then there are the challenges of the lack of community here,  not feeling like I really "fit" anywhere in this transition period, adjusting to living with others (my parents) after being on my own for many years, dealing with the actual health issues (often not feeling well).

I struggle with all this, recognizing that there are so many who deal with so much more, and yet the discouragement and loneliness is still there. That's the reality. I know that this is a season; it won't last forever and God will bring about resolution to all of these things in His time. And I'm grateful for spring - for the sunny blue skies and warm weather and signs of life all around. But even hope doesn't make the challenges disappear. The ongoing question... how to trust God, build perseverance and maintain hope through it.

One perk of being home, though, is being part of some traditions that I've missed. When my siblings and I were in school, whenever we had a snow day my family would make doughnuts. This year, there wasn't a snow day until late in the season, but one Sunday when it snowed and we cancelled church, we invited some friends over to participate in the doughnut making and eating. Obviously, this was a few weeks ago (or more), but these type of activities are highlights.

February's family tradition

For as long as I can remember (and longer) my family has raised and butchered our own beef and pork. Maybe it's part of the reason I have a hard time buying it in the store, and generally just don't eat much of it outside of home. Something about knowing where my meat comes from and exactly what's in it is reassuring.

But year after year, this is the family tradition: Butchering Weekend. Knowing that it's expected that if you're family is getting meat, you have a representative present, we gather in the tiny, smoke-filled butcher shop on our farm and attempt not to slice out parts of our fingers along with the fat. But nevertheless, the dialogue and fellowship around the table while performing otherwise not-so-pleasant duties make the weekend something that becomes bearable and possibly even enjoyable at points. And our old-fashioned ways are something that I'm proud to have in my family's tradition. It may not always be this way.

January's PA culture

For Central Pennsylvanian's, this might be one of the most wonderful times of the year (despite the fact that often the weather also seems to make it one of the most treacherous times of the year). Being away for over a year, it's fun to come home to this local tradition:

THE PENNSYLVANIA FARM SHOW

Full of cows and horses and sheep and alpacas, apples and honey and nuts and produce, rodeos and square dancing and tractor pulls and sheep shearing, butter sculptures and local vendors and craft judging and farm equipment. And food. Lots and lots of good food. It happens to be my favorite part of the farm show, which is why it's pretty much the only part I documented. :)  

Fried mozzarella 

 French fries

Fried breaded mushrooms

Apple cider

Turkey BBQ and pulled pork

And some other random things:

Square dancing

Intriguing poultry

Butter sculpture

And for my friends in the Czech Republic, Super Bowl snacks made entirely from mushrooms: cheeseburgers, nachos, french fries and popcorn. All mushrooms.