singleness journey: call to community

(written in February 2024 - posted much later :) )   

Coincidentally (or maybe not) on Valentine's Day I was reading for an assignment in a missions class about what the author called "coupling."  The text was focused on the story of Ananias and Sapphira - not a typical text related to relationships. We know the story... they sell land but keep part of the profit for themselves, while telling the apostles that they gave the whole amount. And then they both die. (What?!? But that bizarre moment isn't the focus here.) The more obvious themes to teach on are truthfulness or giving or sacrifice... But this reading (Acts: by Jennings ) went a completely different way: judgement on their desire to be separate from the body and enjoy independence and individuality as a couple. Never had I heard this approach, and at first read his thoughts on coupling and the life of the community seemed rather extreme. In Western culture where marriage and family are prioritized, it felt in complete opposition to all exhortation to protect the intimacy of the marriage and time with the family. 

At the same time, as a single person living in Western culture, I feel rather profoundly the effect of coupling and the way it can leave others on the outside. A couple can be invited to a couple, a family to a family, but it seems rarely a single person into a couple or family. When on the weekend or holiday a couple naturally has a partner, where does this leave the single person? Has marriage become an idol, an object of worship, to the exclusion of others, or the exclusion of others who are in different circumstances? Time internally focused becoming higher priority than love for the body? Honestly, sometimes I've felt that. As Jennings writes, the spotlight gets turned to couples and anyone outside of that feels somewhat alienated (57). 

It's true that even the church tells couples to prioritize their marriage, the spouse should come after God and before all others. We've moved into an era of protecting our own boundaries for the sake of health - individually, marital, familial. Balance and well-bring are key words. There are pieces of this that are probably healthy. Is this biblical? Our culture would say so. And I'm not denying that time is needed as a couple or as a family. It is important. You need those moments to regroup, reconnect in the midst of busy lives. But have we taken it too far?  If disciples should be living in intimacy with the triune God and each other, how does this happen? It often feels like that intimacy is relegated to marriage or to very specific times and places. Ongoing intimacy is not readily available to those outside of the couple. 

My extended family has holiday celebrations together and quite often an uncle or aunt shows up with guests in tow. "I invited so and so," they say, knowing my mom (who always hosts), wouldn't mind. "Oh, that's fine," she replies. "We have plenty of food and we'll just set more places at the table." Often these guests are honored to be invited in. Because how often do families invite "strangers", someone the whole family doesn't know, for Thanksgiving dinner or Easter lunch? My perception is that it's unusual. But I love that my family is open to this, wanting others to have a place to be and to belong for the day. It's hospitality that is welcoming. And no, this isn't intimacy, but intimacy has to begin with openness to allow others into life.

And as I write on Valentine's day, this feels even more relevant. We live in a culture that has put romantic love on a pedestal, and even the dear St. Valentine was not even married! I appreciate the words, “Our obsession with coupling has served as a way to avoid the ecclesial work of forming intimate community, and it has drained the church of the deep riches of its own ...intimate life...” (Jennings, 58).  

First question: Has the body relegated intimacy to marriage? (And just to clarify, I mean intimacy in the sense of depth of connection.) Very possibly. I've been in the context of what felt like true Christian intimacy only a couple of times, and it felt like the way the body of Christ should function. But it was in the context of a specific study (plug for Battle for the Heart inserted here! Check it out), and outside of that I have not experienced it the same way. The intimacy of fellowship within daily life, of communing together at a deep emotional or spiritual level generally is not present. 

Second question: Is it because coupling is a way to avoid it within the body? Maybe. It's "supposed" to happen within marriage, your partner should be your closest confidant and mutual encourager, or so it seems is the general message of the church. True vulnerability is relegated to between the couple. But I don't think this was meant to exclude other intimate relationships. In fact, we need depth of relationships with those of our same gender - and I would propose that single people need those kind of relationships with both genders! Let's be honest -I'm curious how many of you would say intimacy with your partner is sufficient? I find that hard to believe that that would be the case, since I recognize that marriage does meet all of one's needs and too often I've heard a spouse express how lonely they feel. But I can believe that the marriage gives the excuse that it doesn't need to happen elsewhere. Or that there is a general fear, outside of marriage and maybe even within marriage to enter into the vulnerability that intimacy requires. 

What is the invitation for believers and the church to belonging to each other? To vulnerability and spiritual intimacy in contexts outside of marriage? This means letting go of a little bit of our tendency toward individualization and independence on which Western culture (and especially US culture) was built. But I think it could be beautiful, connecting, fulfilling. I wonder what opening parts of our lives to allow others in might look like. To allow others into the mess - physically into the chaos of a non-picked-up house or emotionally and spiritually into the mess of turmoil and questions. If the body is truly the body, no one should feel on the outside.