What do you do?

Why in our culture, is worth given based on what we are doing? You're a teacher? Or a social worker? Good for you; you're making a difference. You're a engineer? Or an accountant? Or a shopkeeper? You're talented, have a good head, interesting interests, provide for yourself and your family. You're a student? Great, you're working toward a quality career and independence. You're a mom? You're investing in the lives of your children...though even then the question often gets turned into, “But what did you do before children?“ But you're a mom and work part-time and volunteer in your kids' school and write a blog and make healthy meals for your family every night ...? You're Wonder-woman.

I'm recognizing that I tend to place my worth in what I'm doing. In school, my grades. After school, a meaningful job or ministry. Everyone expects you to be able to successfully answer, “What do you do?“ But what is a “successful” answer?

I'm in a place where I sometimes struggle to answer that question. Especially with local people. "Missionary" doesn't translate well here - people don't know what it means or might have negative images of it. They expect something concrete, and the most I can give them is, “I teach English. But not much. And no, I probably can't teach you, because I don't have time. Sorry.” Because I'm not teaching English full-time. In fact, hardly even part-time. I have approximately 7 teaching hours in a week (not counting prep time). And beyond that I have a hard time explaining what I do. Helping my church... “working“ with the youth (though at this point mostly being at youth events and attempting to get to know them)... learning Czech... it's all kind of vague.

But last week as I was at a women's event and we were to share what we do, I really wanted to say, “I'm an Encourager.” I didn't, but I wanted to. I didn't, because what is that? It sounds a bit questionable to most people. I want to share something concretely WORTHWHILE, something that has value in the eyes of the world. But in reality, my day to day life doesn't have much value in the world's eyes. Because what I really do throughout the week is meet with people. Sometimes through an English lesson, sometimes for coffee (or tea, in my case) and conversation, sometimes in the context of a Bible study or life group. That's the gist of my week.

What is valuable is only in God's eyes: that I carry the presence of Jesus in me, and I carry Him into every interaction I have with people throughout the week. I meet with people and get to know them, encourage them, pray with them.

In sharing this with a friend, she said, “You should do it - tell people you're an Encourager!'“ But in order to do this, I have to believer that it doesn't matter what other people think. It doesn't matter what value or worth they place on me. What matters is that I'm loving people as God has enabled me to do in this time and place. Some people will get it – hopefully at least some of the Christians here (though they may still ask, “But what do you DO?"... or at least think it!) Others may not get it, but maybe it's a starting place for conversation.

It's a hard mindset to shift from our culture's standards of worthwhile, from wanting to feel responsible and self-sufficient with a respectable job, to being confident in what God has given me in this season. Even if it looks like nothing to most people. But what is nothing to others is the most worthwhile in God's eyes. I need to be confident of that. I confess I'm not always successful, but I'm working on it.

My bookshelf, part 2

A few of the fiction, for-fun books I've read recently, with less commentary than the last post. :) Though these for the most part were interesting, some of them weren't necessarily high quality. Any suggestions for really good fiction books? I'd love recommendations for the future! :)

I love juvenile fiction :)

a bit psychologically disturbing and a somewhat strange presentation of the story

Interesting read, interweaving the stories of two girls in foster care, one from the past and one in the present.

Also a bit strange and creepy, along with it's 2 sequels, but engaging. At least, I had to finish them to find out what was going on, although I'm still not completely sure I know what was going on.

Somewhat interesting, action-filled series, though it seems like it gives a bad name to Muslims and some Middle Eastern countries.

I generally like Nicholas Sparks - the plots are interesting and each book is unique.

My bookshelf, part 1

Over the past few months I've been reading some books I've really enjoyed - I've been challenged by them and they have spoken to me in various ways in the current season I'm in. I thought I'd share - maybe it'll give one of you some inspiration. And part 2 may come later; those books that don't make me look like such a spiritual reader. :)   (And just FYI, these aren't physically on my bookshelf. Most I've borrowed electronically through my library. I know, a crime for those who love books, but it's not practical for those who travel to carry suitcases full of books :) ).



Bonhoeffer: Pastor, Martyr, Prophet, Spy

Was on my reading list and it took me 8 months to get through it (it's a long, tedious book at points), but a great in-depth biography of Bonhoeffer's life. I found it incredible the way he served selflessly and then wrestled with whether to be involved in the plot to assassinate Hitler. Truly a man of conviction and integrity.

Uninvited

What does it mean to "live loved" in the face of rejection and loneliness? I've been working through a lot of fear of rejection over the past year or two, so when I saw this book come out, I immediately ordered it. It contains some fabulous quotes and truths throughout the book that I want to hold on to.

Rejection isn't just an emotional feeling. It's a message that's sent to the core of who we are, causing us to believe lies about ourselves, others and God. that alters what you think about yourself. And the minute you sense that happening is the minute you must stop the run-away thinking with truth. 

Heartbreaking seasons can grow me but were never meant to define me.

Rejection steals the best of who I am by reinforcing the worst of what's been said to me.

Live from the abundant place that you are loved, and you won't find yourself begging for scraps of love. 

 Interrupted

The story of how Jesus wrecked the neat, ladder-climbing lives of Jen and her husband as they served people just like them as pastors in a large church to move beyond their comfort zone and live and work among the marginalized. I appreciated the inspiration to truly love and serve others, not from a place of "helping", but among them as equals working for justice.







7: An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess

 I'm so fascinated by the concept of simplifying; tiny homes, minimal possessions, etc. I can't say I'm good at it, but I want my life to look different than the culture's consumerism. Jen chooses 7 areas of life and for 7 months she and her family focus on one of these areas to drastically simplify (like a fast) in order to create space for God to move.
Month 1: they ate only 7 foods.
Month 2: wore only 7 pieces of clothing.
 Month 3: give away 7 items every day.
 Month 4: media fast (with a few exceptions).
Month 5: 7 habits to live "greener" (gardening, composting, driving 1 car, buying local).
Month 6: spending money at only 7 places (besides bills).
 Month 7: practicing 7 Sacred Pauses (prayers) each day to improve rest and reduce stress.
Sounds like a crazy 7 months, but so fascinating. Also inspiring; it would be amazing to see what God does through such a discipline. And I love the down-to-earth honesty with which Jen writes.

 Scary Close

What do healthy relationships look like? It's about impressing fewer people in order to connect with more. It’s about telling the truth about who we are so that we can deeply connect. I love his vulnerability about his relationships, and he shares wisdom for any relationship in a typical Donald Miller style, which I happen to enjoy. :)

We will never feel loved until we drop the act, until we're willing to show our true selves to the people around us.

Health only happens when we're known. We have to become the kind of people others fel safe around so they can be known too. Unless people feel sae around us, intimacy never happens.

God Without Religion

This book messed with me. In a good way, I think. But I confess initially it almost felt like I was reading heresy - some thoughts against beliefs and practices I've been taught all my life, which he's saying are legalistic (attitudes toward tithing, the 10 commandments, final judgement...). But this is about unconditional grace, which was incredible freeing. Though I'm still not sure how I feel about some of the specifics of what he shares about things like tithing, final judgement, the flesh vs. new self, having...). I'd love to have other's perspectives - if you read it, let me know and we can talk!

We receive total unconditional forgiveness of all sin when we receive Jesus. Any system that requires us to do something (repeatedly) for the forgiveness of sins will fail.

 We are not sinners in the hands of an angry God, but saints in the arms of a loving God.

When the Heart Waits

Waiting is such a hard journey, but I found this to be an affirming, freeing book about sitting with the darkness and silence and pain in expectation of eventual transformation. I identified with her acknowledgement and longing for more - to go much deeper to the core of self in God - and the difficult, lengthy process of cocooning, from the caterpillar to the transformation of the butterfly.

If you can't be still and wait, you can't become what God created you to be. We achieve our deepest progress standing still. 

Avoiding pain, rather than having the discipline and courage to confront it and live through it, only compounds suffering in the long run. 

What have you been reading recently?

all about the journey: part of the backstory

The other week I told the story of what led me the Czech Republic to someone and I was encouraged to blog about a piece of it.

The piece is this:

Since I was little I've had a fascination with missions. As a 12 year old attending summer camp, I remember telling my counselor that I wanted to be a missionary one day. But as I got older and began to recognize my unique personality, I thought it wasn't a good combination to be doing missions. Because a missionary should be extroverted, outgoing, easily connect with people and with lots of vision, right? That was my idea. And to think about venturing into another culture by myself and trying to make connections scared me. I felt inadequate and poorly equipped. So I basically put the idea of missions on a back burner.

Around 2011 I felt like God might be leading me on from what was then my current position with Eastern Mennonite Missions. But to what? That, I didn't know. As I spent a day praying about it, I told God, "I want to be willing to do whatever you want me to do." And God seemed to respond "Will you teach?"

Now, you have to understand that this was 10 years after I graduated from college. Yes, I had an education degree (in music), but even at the time of graduation I felt inadequate to teach. And essentially not using it in 10 years, I was convinced I had lost everything I had once learned. I felt like I lacked resources, classroom management skills, directing skills, and had lost even some of my musical ability since I hadn't used it on a professional level. The idea of teaching quite honestly terrified me.

And yet, here was God asking me if I was willing. What was I supposed to say? I WANTED to shout, "NO!", but I had just told him that I wanted to obey.

And so I started the process of looking for a teaching job. It required taking some classes to get my certificate active again. And because basically I had no experience to speak of, I recognized that it could be a challenge to find a job. It was. It wasn't until the end of August, immediately before the school year started, that a Christian school offered me a part-time position teaching choir.

The year was difficult in many ways. I discovered parts I loved, like working with a small auditioned group of girls, planning excursions for us to sing outside of school, and finding music that the students enjoyed. I discovered that my classroom management skills were really as bad as I had imagined and I often dreaded the class of preteen boys where nothing I did seemed to connect.

But I also discovered more - because from the beginning, I wasn't sure if God wanted me to teach because I should teach, or because he wanted me to learn something from it. I discovered that when God calls, he also equips. He is faithful and he gives exactly what is needed for each day. That doesn't mean that it looks perfect or even that I FEEL adequate in the midst of it, because most of the time I'm not (perfect or adequate). But HE provides the equipping that I don't have, the courage I'm lacking, makes the most of my weakness, and is more than adequate.

And so, suddenly, the idea of serving overseas became a possibility. Because it's not ME that has to have everything together - all the right words and ideas and courage. It is "not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God." (2 Cor 3:5). That promise has made all the difference.

And now, 5 years later, I've been serving in the Czech Republic 2 years already. I honestly never thought I'd be here. But his grace is sufficient and his courage has enabled me to face so many new situations full of people I don't know and a language I don't understand (maybe not confidently; often with quaking knees and singing to myself, "Whenever I am afraid, I will trust in You"). He makes me brave; I'm not by nature. And that year of teaching... it was necessary for my process. Everything God has for us really is about the journey.

the tension of a home vacation

One would think that for someone living overseas, a vacation home would be splendid. And don't get me wrong, being home for my sister's wedding the beginning of this month was fantastic. I wouldn't trade it for anything, despite the amount of work we did that was hardly a vacation. :)  (You see, my mother is incredibly creative, crafty, and determined that she could do everything cheaper, if not better, than anything we could buy/hire. And she could give my sister exactly what she wanted. My beloved sister had some beautiful, specific ideas about the wedding, which my gracious mother took on the challenge of bringing to life. In the end it was a beautiful, hand-crafted wedding, with countless hours of hard work and with the help of many along the way!)

But when it came down to it as I left, I realized that vacationing at home required far more emotionally than I was expecting. Though I dearly love all of you, my friends and family in PA, it was overwhelming.

Overwhelming to say hello to so many people in such a short space, because I desperately wanted to catch up, but I also needed my space. Eleven days isn't ideal to reconnect with many. On top of that, I was there specifically for a wedding: to spend time with my sister and my family, and that was priority.

Overwhelming to have a vacation that requires a lot of connecting period. Give me a friend or two or my family for a week, and I'll be content. My ideal vacation is full of peace and a limited number of people with which I need to interact. :)

Overwhelming to answer, or even expect to have to answer, "How's it going?" many times.  To be honest, this is a very difficult question for me to answer (and I'm guessing many who experience life in another culture). How do you summarize life, especially life that's very different from "home", succinctly?  I'm not discounting those of you who ask it - I appreciate the interest! But please know that because the answer usually contains more than standard answers about family and work, it's hard, at least for me, to answer. (And by the way, I will happily answer questions more specific about life - Czech life, language, friends, teaching, etc. The vague, open-ended questions are more challenging.)

Overwhelming to see all of my family and a few close friends and then so soon have to say good-bye. Also overwhelming to have to say good-bye during the wedding festivities, which should be a joyous celebration, but where I ended up in tears multiple times as I recognized that I may not see some of you for another 2 years.

Overwhelming to say good-bye to not only people, but home, where it's safe and comfortable, and head back to Prague, where there are so many unknowns. I had to leave an environment full of support to return to a life that often stretches me and has minimal support on location. Yes, this would be true of any departure, but the brief time and lack of time for true rest made it more challenging.  And though I was looking forward to getting back, setting up my schedule and seeing what God put in place, the leaving was still hard.

Please recognize this is not disregarding any of you. I appreciate your support and care more than you can imagine. And I need it. But I recognize these challenges of  living in a different culture and attempting to vacation at home. It's only temporary and I can't engage "just like normal". Maybe if I had several months, but not for a week. I'm "home" (the place where I grew up and am comfortable) but I'm not HOME (the place where I'm currently doing life). Not to say I won't ever be home again for vacation, but at least now I recognize what it will require and I can prepare myself emotionally for the next time.

And for those of you I did see, thank you! Despite the challenges, it was oh, so good to see you.

Leaving home always means leaving with your feet; never with your heart.

Sborovka

Sborovka is a week-long holiday my congregation (sbor) takes every year together. For me, it's the best opportunity to meet some new people and get to know others better. Even though my Czech is limited (meaning usually small talk in Czech all week) and I feel bad about making others speak English with me, it's at least nice to come back to church every Sunday and think, "oh hey, I know these people". And it's a great opportunity to experience the life of the church together. I come away feeling like I have a better understanding of the community and hearts and passion of the church itself. A few things I learned this past week:

• A family activity is picking wild blueberries and blackberries. I knew this, but the week emphasized how common it is to wander into the forest and spend hours picking and eating berries.
• It's quite common for children to swim naked.
• Trinactka was birthed in 2005 as a church plant off of another church in Prague. It started with 56 people. Today the number is over 200 - approximately 130 adults and 80 (or more!) children.
• We are full of compassionate people for each other. Throughout the week and since have been sharing and times of focused prayer (and fasting) for a woman in our congregation who has cancer and her family.
• A focus from leadership right now is how to welcome and engage new people (which to me indicates the desire to reach out and love others) and how everyone can use their gifts/contribute to the body.
• A few testimonies about how people came to know Christ. Unfortunately, they were all in Czech, so I only picked up a few pieces. :( But it's so fascinating to see such a large percentage who come from unbelieving families and to hear stories about how God drew them.
• Everyone is very patient with my Czech. Especially during meals, I sat with various families, not always knowing how we'd be able to communicate. Sometimes it was in English, but often it was in Czech and we always managed at least some conversation. :)
• God's grace is sufficient and his mercies are new every morning. Though there were many moments of high anxiety (who can I join for lunch? what should I do this afternoon and with whom? what else can I ask this family with my limited vocabulary? how do I get to them better when all I can do in Czech is small talk?), God provided courage and encouragement when I needed it and really, people at 13ka (my church) are great.
• Our spiritual program for the week focused on prayer (worship prayer, intercession, perseverance, spiritual warfare, listening to God) , and I think many came away encouraged and even wanting to continue this study and application.

And a few quotes from the week that struck me (from The Prayer Course) and I continue to process...

In commanding us to glorify him, God invites us to enjoy him.  (yes, please!)

God speaks more often into our identity than our destiny. (how often do I look for direction, when God wants to affirm who I am so that I live can confidently, know his heart which will guide me, and experience grace when I turn the wrong way)

Be still and know that I am God

Discern Satan's strategies or strongholds in your city and intentionally live the opposite (for example replace greed with generosity - what does this look like for me, now, in this context?)

You will never learn faithfulness unless you live through unanswered prayer. (how difficult, but reassuring)

Surrounded by trails, evergreens, birds singing, but otherwise stillness -
 I breathe, and my soul is at rest.

Highlights from English camps

In the past month I participated in 3 different English camps. Each was so unique and I don't have time to describe them in detail, but they all went really well and I met some incredible people at every camp. I'm missing many of them (though I confess it's nice to be back in my own bed and have some personal time :) ). I praise God for the opportunity to be involved, the connections that were made and the conversations that happened at many different levels. Here are our adventures from each week.


Week 1: Day camp for kids ages 5-13
Highlights: Great leadership team unity, lots of American cookies and little kids so excited when they could say phrases in English

Week 2: Trinactka (my church's) camp for youth and young adults

Highlights: Powerful skit and prayer labyrinth on Thursday night and an engagement on Friday night!

Week 3: Scripture Union camp (non-profit organization that works with a local Czech team) for youth and young adults

Highlights: Lots of ultimate frisbee, creative group games and beautiful mountains