Maybe that's not a big deal for some of you, but for me it's somewhat of a renewal. Although I spent a good portion of my life playing, through university and later as worship leader in my church for several years, in the past years (too many years) I confess I've played rarely. When I moved to Prague, it didn't seem overly important and for the most part I didn't miss it. While I VERY occasionally played with a worship team here, otherwise I have no opportunities to play. And for as often as I play just for myself, it didn't seem worth it.
But recently something has shifted.
As background, it's been a challenging year in a variety of ways. Connections and work have felt in general more draining than life-giving. God has revealed a few areas that I've not surrendered to him and it's a difficult process of working through it and knowing how to overcome it (kicking and screaming in some areas). I've struggled with being fully committed to the diet (read "lifestyle of eating") that I should follow for my health. I'm recognizing how many lies I've told myself and believed for years and years, and it's a constant battle to recognize them and replace them with truth. I'm feeling a lack of vision for the fall and its activities and not finding much that I'm really looking forward to. And I've found it difficult to find places and times of true rest this year. It all weighs heavily and it's difficult to find my joy in the midst of it all.
But recently God has been igniting a desiring to worship more and in it, to play more. To play my worship. And so a couple of weeks ago I started looking around to see what's available. I found a used digital piano being sold and even went to try it, but wasn't convinced I liked its touch. But otherwise wasn't excited about anything I was finding and wondered if I should just wait and see what else used came up in the coming months, since buying new seemed expensive and it didn't seem urgent.
And then this past week I was at my organization's European retreat in Austria and I volunteered to lead one of the worship times. Afterwards, several people affirmed my gift in leading worship, which was encouraging. And completely God. Because honestly, I was nervous, not having played in so long and not having led worship in even longer. One comment in particular, offered after the prayer time for me (every worker shares what has been going on and how others can pray, and I had shared about some of the struggles mentioned above), was that "worship is key". At that point he didn't know I played piano or led worship. He didn't know I was considering getting a piano. But for me, that comment confirmed my desire and my decision, if only to make it a commitment to spend personal time in worship.
It also reemphasized something someone prayed over me years ago - specifically praying over my hands to play worship and exhorting me to play and create. That God will do much through my worship. At the time I don't think I was very diligent with it, but the word hasn't left my mind. Right now, getting a piano and being intentional about worshiping means that I'll have a better place - a place that connects with my heart - to express my worship. And I know in the midst of worship we are lifted above our current circumstances - above what feels like is weighing me down. A place where I can find joy and trust. That I'm looking forward to.
No comments:
Post a Comment