It's somewhat of a tradition within my family that for a wedding present you receive a Kitchen Aid. I guess it's one of those items that, because of cost, a wedding provides a justification to spend that much money or combine efforts to gift such an item. And I know for a fact that this isn't unique to my family; I know of several others for whom this is the case.
December 2019, as my parents were visiting me in Prague and I was mixing some kind of cookie dough (because some US Christmas cookies are always necessary and it's an easy gift to bring to holiday gatherings), I was lamenting (or perhaps closer to expressing frustration and complaining) the unfairness of this tradition. Here I am, single, never having “the reason” to be gifted a Kitchen Aid, when most, if not all my married siblings and cousins probably have one. And it's possible that I have reason to use it more than most of them, because a huge part of ministry in my context is hosting, taking food to events, giving food gifts, etc.... US baked goods are unique and a treat. :) This sometimes makes planning and giving easier (brownies and cookies always welcome), but every time I bake and use my cheap little hand mixer that sprays flour all over the counter and myself, my frustration is present.
Because why is it that “the wedding” suddenly makes you worthy of receiving all the gifts you wouldn't buy for yourself? Why is it that celebration comes down to celebrating the social norms - the wedding, the baby, the new house...? What happens for those who don't have any of those? Who, either by their own choice or the way life has fallen, are unmarried, childless, forever living in a rental? To be truly authentic, I've struggled with this in the past few years. As more and more friends get married, have their first child or buy a house, the world “sees” them and celebrates with them. It's what's normal. It's expected. It's celebrated. Me, I feel like I'm rarely seen. Rarely celebrated. Never have a reason to be celebrated. And expected to be with everyone else in their celebration. Now, I usually WANT to celebrate with others, but celebrating time after time with someone else is a constant reminder that I am never seen as the reason for celebration.
Now I have some wonderful friends and family who have seen me and have celebrated me well. A going away party last summer before I traveled to the US for an extended period. A birthday party hosted by my sister when I have the rare occasion to be in the States for my birthday. I've felt seen, wanted and affirmed by them.
And yet there is a piece of me that, come another wedding or baby shower, laments what isn't. The cultural views of a “normal life” haven't happened for me yet. Part of me feels very selfish in sharing this... because shouldn't I just be happy with everyone else? Isn't it prideful to want to be seen and celebrated with? Is it me wanting attention, to be noticed? I wish I could be in a place where I'm joyfully celebrating with others with no thought of myself. But often I'm not. Generally joyful with others, yes. With no thought of myself, generally no. Sure, ideally I could simply give and love and trust that God is meeting me in what is not. I at the very least take it to him; the feelings of insignificance and often, what feels like invisibility in family-oriented cultures. Among friends, family, and even the church.
But every one of us has desires. Desires that are good. Desires that reflect God and his desires. Because God desires to be noticed and seen. He desires to be celebrated. And as created in his image, these desires he also put in us. Yes, he asks me to surrender these desires and seek them in him, be satisfied in him first and foremost. But it doesn't mean that I can't desire them and occasionally have them in my physical world and community.
As a single woman watching the world around me celebrate with these progressions in others' lives, I long for a world in which marriage and children were not the only cultural ideals. For a world where these were not milestones and elevated above being single, childless or owning property. For a world in which every person could be seen and celebrated for any reason.
I share all of this to be authentic and to hopefully raise awareness and sensitivity for the people we care about around us. I'm not asking for pity or a next celebration (though I'm always looking for something else to look forward to :) ). Rather I'd love for a broader awareness and potentially, a shift in perspective. Traditionally our culture has celebrated these big milestones. It's also somewhat created a culture where those it hasn't happened for can feel left behind or even less than. It's hugely unfortunate, because I don't think that's anyone's intent. But it has happened. So what can we do and how can we respond?
I doubt we're going to change the huge celebrations of a wedding or baby shower anytime soon. That's not necessarily necessary (though living in another culture for the past years, I can tell you that they are WAY less emphasized, built up and consumeristic than in the US). But I do want to share a few more concrete ideas of what awareness might look like. If you have single friends in your sphere, maybe these pieces would be helpful.
I am also very aware that these come from MY experience and desires and may not fit every single person. If you are single, I would love to hear and gain from your experience – what resonates and what doesn't? Please leave a message in the comments! And if you have single friends, ask them what they would appreciate. These may not fit everyone.
For me, these are a few ideas of what awareness and sensitivity could look like:
Just ask. I'm sometimes annoyed that talking with single people (or maybe childess couples) feels taboo. Yes, I recognize it can be a sensitive subject. So instead of assuming (i.e. "When is it your turn?"), start by exploring... "Where is your heart regarding singleness? What are your hopes? What are the challenges and joys"
At the next wedding or baby shower or celebration of a “norm” that you recognize someone else is not experiencing, take the time to notice them. And again, ask. “How are you experiencing this (fill in the blank)?” This tells me that I'm seen and someone cares.
This may not completely fill the desires of a single person, but take the time to celebrate them and the pieces that ARE happening in their life. A promotion. The purchase of a house. Birthdays. Celebration in accordance with their personality, of course. :) The single person does not have the built-in other to initiate something for them.
Shortly after Christmas 2019, I received a message from my parents: the family wanted to give me money to buy a Kitchen Aid for myself. I don't know what conspired to make that happen, but in that moment I felt seen. I felt a family valuing me for who I am, what I do and where I am in life rather than the societal norm of valuing a wedding and spouse and marriage. Getting the mixer was another story (basically, it costs 3x as much in the Czech and so picked one up on a trip to Germany, where friends graciously let me send it to their address there). But the sentiment was huge and I'll be reminded of its significance every time I bake – as will happen many times over for guests and parties and holidays... Anything is reason for American treats. :)
Jan, I totally get what you’re saying in this blog. In my generation the tradition was that a daughter received kettles when she got married. I watched that happen for both my older sister and my younger sister. Luckily, my parents realized that my life might look different and so when I moved into an apartment they gifted me with a set of kettles. I wasn’t sure if they were giving up hope that I would ever marry or if they just recognized my life was looking different than what was the assumed progression at the time.
ReplyDeleteI remember a TV show where one of the female characters lamented how much money she had put out for bridal showers, to be a bridesmaid, wedding gifts, to host a baby shower, etc. and yet she never received the same in return. In reality, it not only has an emotional toll but a financial toll as well.
I like the point you make that God wants to be seen, that he wants to be celebrated. And yes, it is a natural, healthy desire for each one of us. Thank you for speaking up not just for yourself but for the singles in the broader context. i’m grateful.
As another single person, I too know that these things are hard to talk about - "what feels like invisibility in family-oriented cultures" is a good description. Thanks for naming these feelings and offering suggestions. I agree that celebrating the meaningful things that happen in a single person's life are important, especially because, as you said, they may not have someone else to naturally think of initiating celebrations for them.
ReplyDeleteHi Jan. Oh I can feel this post, but without the grace and gentleness that you use. I have spent decades, literally, watching the world go by and the other milestones celebrated with me merely in attendance. A smile in the crowd. A name on the card. And I have felt and asked all of this. Usually with much more anger. And, at various points of maturity, shame. I have spent a long time trying to remove the connection between all those milestones and “becoming” or “finally starting life” and realizing that life was still very much full/real/wonderful. I could write for so long about the feelings of loss and being left behind in my singleness.
ReplyDeleteI also come from a kitchen aid wedding gift family. My mom got hers as a wedding gift...20 of her friends chipped in together to purchase it and it was the heart of her kitchen until she died two years ago. She got me a used one when I moved into an apartment in my 20s. I imagine that she would have bought me a new one could she have attended a wedding.
Now I’m getting married in a few months and I am finding the process awkward. I feel so strange when someone I don’t know, or worse- a vendor like a photographer or dress shop says CONGRATS!! as if I accomplished something. But I didn’t. All I did was decide to make more permanent a particular connection. I think back on the decades I have spent assuming that this is a metamorphosis, that I would finally be seen in the world. But it doesn’t feel like that now that I’m here. I’m seen in my small world through who I am as a teacher and in my small circles. Perhaps being a teacher helps, but I know SO MANY single women in the 40s. It makes it easier. And sometimes, in the tiny hours, I wonder if I can maintain my same identity/self-concept if I get married.
I’m sorry if this is scattered- I’m writing on my phone. Love to you. KT