(online) Open House

I finally feel like I'm somewhat settled into my flat. Yes, there are still a few things to do and get (like decorations for the walls!), but what's priority is done. Come see it!

Stretching the flexibility muscle

Ah, flexibility. The #1 requirement of an overseas worker, I think. However, on the structured-to-flexible scale, I fall on the structured side. I know this about myself. I usually like to wake up knowing what my plans are for the day. If there are no set plans, I am usually thinking ahead to what I will accomplish or do with that time: I'll have time for a run, can mail that letter that needs to go out, will make supper and then hopefully study for a bit. When something else comes up, I can go with it, but then I'm immediately rescheduling in my head: Well, I can run tomorrow morning; maybe stop by the post office on my run. And I'll have time when I get home to at least do my homework for tomorrow. And I think there's something in the fridge I can eat along the way. I go with the interruption and normally it's fine. But when I have a lot on my mind, even small disturbances can cause much internal angst.

Living in a foreign country, these disturbances are bound to happen. I'm aware of this, and I feel like for the most part I'm able to adapt and go with the flow. I've seen God's grace in my life overseas in that area. But recently I've had the opportunity (can I even phrase it that way?) to exercise my adaptability, and have had to reflect: Why do they cause so much stress, when in the scheme of things, God has everything under control and will provide for what I need?

Two recent examples:

Last Tuesday I moved into my new flat. It's my teammate, Stacy's, old flat. Because of the time frame, she left her bed until she could get someone to help move it and I could get a new one. We looked at a calendar and determined February 19 the new one should be delivered. But when she talked with friends to move her bed, they could help February 16. Ok, so suddenly I'm without a bed for several days. Sudden angst. But then I remind myself that it's not the end of the world! Yes, you're in transition, but it's a minor detail. I have a sleeping mat and sleeping bag. I have couches and couch cushions. If need be, I can get an air mattress. It's fine. It's an adventure. And it was. Fine, at least. I took the couch cushions to the bedroom (where it stays darker in the morning), laid one duvet on top, covered by a sheet and slept there for 3 nights. Not perfectly, but sufficiently. And now I have a huge bed, for which I don't have the correct size sheets. :)

The other experience: This past weekend, Stacy and I went to Berlin so I could drop off my visa application at the Czech embassy. (For some reason, Americans aren't allowed to apply in the Czech for a long-term visa, so we have to go to an embassy in a neighboring country.) On the bus ride there, we were stopped at the German border and our passports were checked. This was new -  26 countries in Europe are part of the Schengen area, in which you could normally travel without passport checks or immigration control, and I can stay within these countries 90 days on a tourist visa. But because of the refugee crisis in Europe, borders are now doing checks. Which would be fine, except there was a very real possibility that I wouldn't get my long-term visa until my 90 day tourist visa expired. Neither Stacy or I had considered this before. So suddenly my coming weeks had the possibility of looking much different. And I could feel stress rising. How long will I need to leave for? Am I going to miss weeks of school? Where would I go? What am I going to eat? I was kind of looking forward to those 2 weeks to rest and reconnect with Czech friends who I haven't been able to see since school started. At this point (on the bus there) I didn't even know what the situation would be or if I'd need to leave the country. And so I calm my mind: God knows this situation and has it under control. We'll work out the details as they come. You could get to a new country. Accept the fact that your plans could shift and embrace the possibilities that could be. And this could be an adventure. 

And yes, according to the embassy the next day, I wouldn't get my visa until 2 weeks after my 90 days expired. So now the best option is to leave the Schengen during the 2 week break between my Czech courses in March. The days I'm out of the Schengen won't count toward the 90 day tourist visa and I'll have a new entry date into the Schengen on my passport, which should be enough to get to April when I'll (hopefully) get my visa. (On a side note, I'm grateful that the language school wouldn't let me register for the 5 month course since I didn't have a visa. Now I'm taking back-to-back 6 week courses and it gives me a 2 week break in between classes, so I won't miss too much class.)

Long story short, I'll be going to Albania for 2 1/2 weeks in March. We have friends and co-workers there, so I'm looking forward to seeing them. Yes, there's still some stress, but I'm slowing learning how to adapt and trust God with the disruptions that change my plans. And to answer my own question of why these things cause stress ... I fear losing control, or being out of control. It feels safer to know what's coming; it's security. But that also doesn't allow for God to move me beyond my comfort zone into better things. It's about trusting him with the unknowns, and still a learning process.

Settling in

Getting around Prague is a bit surreal. The streets and transportation and sights are all familiar, and it's hard to believe that the last time I rode a tram or metro was a year ago. And yet being here with several very free weeks on my hands and trying to make connections with people almost feels like starting over. But yesterday when I met a friend for lunch at her flat - did the routine walk past the park and sent her a text that I was there so she could come down and let me in her building - and saw her again, we both commented that it seemed like last week.

Some things definitely haven't changed:

      The same native American dressed street musicians by the Andel metro. And different group of an accordion player and stringed instruments.

     The same busyness at the mall and supermarket.

     The same beautiful old building and views (you really should visit! :) )

     The same waiting at tram stops on cold days hoping the tram isn't running too late.


Yes, there are changes:

       New stops on one of the metro lines.

       New buildings in places that used to be fields.

       New trams replacing old ones.

       Friends' children who were babies and so big and running and walking and talking.

And my living situation is new. It's really handy being a lot closer to the center and to friends right now, but it's only temporary and the transition in this has it's own difficulty:

      Not having an address.

      Needing to wash ALL my clothes here because it was stored in a musty basement.

      Having to cook all my own meals for dietary reasons. On a two burner hot plate that doesn't fit 2 pots well together. And wash dishes at a sink that's awkwardly far from the front of the counter. And a fridge that really isn't meant to store much food for any length of time.

     And my feet are cold ALL THE TIME. Even with slippers. It's really annoying.

(disclaimer: not my picture)

The period of transition will ease. I am grateful for much provision in these first days: the tiny potraviny (mini-market) across the street that has eggs on a Friday night, the recall of Czech, which I was a little worried about (not quite where it was, but when reminded, I at least remember it!), the really good turkey chili with sweet potatoes (and no beans!) I made the other night.
 I am grateful for God's consistency and faithfulness. He has given strength in this first week that I was pretty sure I didn't have a week or two ago. He will continue to give strength. He will continue to provide. As 2016 arrived, I was reminded of these verses from Isaiah:

Forget the former things, do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.

2015 was difficult and I don't want to forget what God has been doing in me, but the struggles themselves... I'm not rehashing that. And I am claiming new and amazing things for 2016! Even in the midst of transition. Already God is making ways where it seems there was none. One example from this week:

I needed an appointment with a gastroenterologist within 10 days of arriving in Prague to get my medication. I tried calling the clinic where I had previously gone, and couldn't get through. I emailed, and received no response. I emailed a different address and finally got a message from the director that they were no longer accepting new patients. What?! I'm not a new patient, and I had told them that. Discouragement! 

Not knowing what else to do, I contacted an English-speaking center that has a good reputation that looked like they had gastroenterology. Hope! Actually, no, they require you to meet with a GP who will then refer you to a gastroenterologist. Frustration! Fortunately, I could get an appointment for the following day, so I went, told the doctor my situation and she asked what insurance I had. Basically self-pay for which I get reimbursed. Oh, well that shouldn't be a problem to get in since clinics have a limited amount of money they can use for patients on Czech insurance. But since I don't have Czech insurance, my old clinic should take me. Hope again! The office coordinator (who schedules these referral appointments), on the other hand, said the clinic had been turning down patients completely. And that most gastroenterologists are scheduled a few weeks out. Hope weakening! But she would make some calls the following day and get back to me.

I went right from this appointment to a Bible study. This particular group I've never attended before. It was a contact from a friend from a former Bible study and they are doing a Beth Moore study I'm interested in, so contacted the girl and went. There were only 2 others there, but both God-appointments, I'm convinced. One is studying Czech at the language school where I'll be going and I was encouraged by her feedback. The other is an eye doctor with connections to the gastro clinic I had been trying to contact. When she found out the situation, she said, "Oh, I'll call them tomorrow and see if I can get an appointment for you." Some hope again! Though slightly skeptical... 

I don't know what miracles she and God worked, but she texted me the following morning saying that she talked with the secretary (the manager's wife) and I should call them and schedule an appointment. Lo and behold, I called, this time the phone was answered, the woman spoke English, knew who I was, and was able to schedule an appointment for Tuesday (the day before I need my medication) after I told her the following week was too late.

Definitely a way through the desert. And I'm counting on the many more to come, even when my eyes can't see them and my mind can't imagine them. Thankfully God does.

more traditions: Thanksgiving

In accordance with some other posts on traditions this year, here's one for Thanksgiving (although a bit late). I appreciated being able to be home for this holiday, after a 2 year absence. A couple of things that make it unique:


Turkey Trot! I ran this local 5K with my sister in 2011 and since then it's been a yearly tradition for our family (various ones of us have run every year). This year ALL FIVE of us ran (plus SIL), which may have been a first. My sister lovingly labelled us SACDLGLCF: Siblings Against Chrohn's Disease, LGL, and Cystic Fibrosis

Seafood! Not necessarily an annual tradition, but often when we're celebrating more than one Thanksgiving meal, the one with the Heindels is seafood. I don't like seafood, but the fish and crabcakes were pretty good. :)

and sometime soon, I'm going to post about RETURNING!! Stay tuned...

Identity

A few months ago I posted on the challenges of this (long) season. As it has continued - through the bare winter branches and then snow-covered limbs, bright spring buds on the trees, full green forest hills and gardens, and now the beginning of the leaves changing and the garden slowing dying - I've had plenty of time to think and clarify some of the struggle. I love the seasons, but it's a lot of time to process. :)

It comes down to my identity. Or lack thereof.

Because during this season, I feel like I've lost anything and everything I once may have identified myself by, or how the world typically wants to label me.

I've lost independence (living at home and very dependent on my parents), and I question who I am as a daughter.
I've lost leadership - in a number of areas, but especially at church.
I've lost health - Because of that I lost the capacity to engage well with others.
Also because of that, I lost the ability and energy to exercise/run.
I've lost relationships - or at least they have significantly changed - and I question who I am as a sister and friend.
I've lost a significant income
I've lost a fulfilling job/role
Honestly, I've lost what feels like any type of role.
 (And for those who know Strengthsfinders, I'm an Achiever, which I think makes this season hit a little harder.)

All of these lead me to ask, "Who am I?" How do I stand firm and confident in who I am when all circumstances and the world tell me I'm not worth so much? I so easily lose my way and fall prey to the lies that I'm worthless and unlovable and not good enough; dwelling in this muck and clawing at something worthwhile to grasp onto. Anything. And too often placing blame on other people or circumstances for the way I'm feeling. Until I remember: this was not how I was created.

It's a slow pit to crawl out of, remembering that my identity is SUPPOSED to be in Christ. IS in Christ. It's not a new issue; I recognize it's a recurring theme in my life. So as I wait in "nothingness", what does it mean to BE in Christ and allow myself to be treasured there? Not doing. Being. And letting him speak his truth of who I am. Because I have not lost God's presence. Or his love. Or his delight in me. It's hard to keep those forefront in my heart and mind. But they're there, underneath the lies that want to keep popping their heads up. But even then, when I lose focus and base my worth on what I'm doing or how I compare with others, they are constant. That's worth something. So why do I ever stray from it?  Remind me the next time you see me.

Self-rejection is the greatest enemy of the spiritual life because it contradicts the Sacred voice that calls us "Beloved". Being the Beloved expresses the core truth of our existence....but it seems that I was also eager to listen to other, louder voices, saying: "Prove that you are worth something; do something relevant, spectacular, or powerful, and then you will earn the love you so desire." ... Aren't you hoping that some person, thing or event will come along to give you the final feeling of inner well-being you desire? Don't you often hope: "May this book, idea, course, trip, job, country or relationship fulfill my deepest desire." But as long as you are waiting for that mysterious moment you will go on running helter-skelter, always anxious and restless, always lustful and angry, never fully satisfied...This is the way to spiritual exhaustion and burn-out. This is the way to spiritual death. 

Well, you and I don't have to kill ourselves. We are the Beloved. 

Henri Nouwen, Life of the Beloved

Cherishing moments with little boys

One of the things I'm continually grateful for while I'm home is spending time with these guys - my nephews. I'm soaking it in, since I've missed so much of their growth and entertainment while I was gone and will in the future when I leave again. I missed the youngest one's birth (didn't meet him until he was 10 months old) and the toddler stage of the middle one. I'm so blessed that they all now recognize me and for the precious moments with them. I love you, Jace, Camden and Jaxon!

Mennonite heritage

While in the Czech, there weren't too many things I could say I missed. But this was one of them. Four part harmony, sung a cappella, in church. This is part of my spiritual/cultural background, and I still get chills in the midst of good 4-part singing; perhaps particularly because it doesn't happen very regularly or to this quality so often anymore. No, it's not musical perfection, but the quality - not from any choir, but by the members of the congregation - is what makes it special. And for all the Mennonites out there, singing 606 is being home. :) THIS I missed.

P.S. This video was put together for the music aspect, not the video. Excuse the poor quality of the video part. Shut your eyes if you need to. :)

P.S.S. I also have to add that this was a Sunday night hymn sing where I could have counted maybe a dozen people there under the age of 50 (out of 450 people or so). And I was one of, oh....maybe 5 women who was not wearing a dress or skirt. :)