Running with perseverance

In February I posted this:

 A month ago a friend wrote this for me. 

When she gave it to me, she said she hoped it didn't sound bad (she wasn't wishing trials for me), but focusing on the crown of life for those who love and desire God. But it may have been a bit prophetic - since then I've experienced one of the most emotionally and spiritually difficult fights of my life... But then one day as I was running (physically) and pushing myself, I sensed him cheering me on, running alongside me. Pleased that I'm running after him and ready to place a victor's crown on my head. Not because I'm the best or run perfectly, but simply because I keep putting one foot in front of the other and don't give up. And in the end he is waiting for me to fall completely drained and exhausted into the security of his arms. The race isn't over, and too many days I feel unable to go on well - or at all. But he's beside me, fighting for me to finish strong, and he has LIFE for me - and for you - at the end.

This image and verse has stuck with me. And apparently God had for me in this season a lot of running imagery. A month ago I ran a 10k, and as I reviewed the event photos online, I found this one:

Definitely not the most flattering picture, but for me, it was a reminder of this desire to keep running hard after God, after that Crown of Life, and that he gives me the strength to do it. The encouragement to not give up even when the wrestling and intense seasons of hardship seem never-ending.

I had a goal for this race: to see if a could run it in an hour. I didn't train very specifically for the goal (for the race, yes, but I'm terrible about training for goals), so I wasn't really sure if it was possible. But I wanted to give it my all and see what happened. I felt like I was running at a decent pace, but by km 6 or 7 definitely had to encourage myself to keep the pace. I was feeling it. And yet this goal hung was in front of me and kept me going. That last km was rough. I was pushing hard, but still with my thoughts on the time goal, knowing that if I relaxes, I'd for sure never make it. And the last couple hundred meters I gave it all I had left, sprinting (as much as possible) to the finish despite the exhaustion and weakness in my legs. I was in striving. Gasping for breath. In pain. Thus, the picture.

A number of years ago my organization was teaching on resilience and the importance of finding your own symbol of resilience to remind you of what you've made it through and what you're capable of. This picture has become such a symbol for me.

 Let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. (Heb. 12:1)

 Run in such a way as to get the prize... I do not run like a man running aimlessly...I beat my body and make it my slave so that I will not be disqualified for the prize. (1 Cor. 9: 24-27) 

I press on toward the goal to win the prize... (Phil 3:14)

I'm not always super disciplined, but I do know that I want to know God fully and completely, and have him know me.  I want the best God has for me. I don't want to muddle along complacently. I want to be the woman he created me to be, created in his glory to reflect that his love and grace and courage to others. I want to live in abandonment to his perfect love. I want the Crown of Life. I want to hear, "Well Done." It's a journey, but this picture reminds me that there are good things waiting at the other end of pain and that I am given the grace day by day to run after it. 

But I also need rest. Balancing the hard striving and wrestling with the moments when the Shepherd leads me to still waters. It goes in seasons. Sometimes weeks, sometimes day by day or even hour by hour. Funny how this other picture crossing the finish line shows the relief in arriving and knowing that rest is coming.

 Not that I ever completely arrive in the spiritual life, but he does give rest along the journey, times when I am simply filled and prepared for the next run. Even in the midst of difficult seasons, there are moments of rest when I am reminded that He is God, He is Sovereign, He has me in his hands and I am safe there. 

P.S. By the way, I didn't make my goal. I was disappointed, but it doesn't mean the race wasn't worth it. (I got great imagery out of it, anyway!)  And I believe God is always pleased in the running.  For him, the goal IS the running with perseverance. Whether or not I ever achieve my spiritual goals, he is proud of me giving all I have and full of grace when I feel like I can't. And my earthly goals I always have the opportunity to try and try again. 10k this summer, anyone? 😄

Holiday hiking

 Bank holidays the first 2 Tuesdays in May are a huge blessing. It's a needed break in the middle of spring and since the weather has been so beautiful, great to be outside. So these holidays and another Sunday I loved being able to be out with friends. A benefit to Czech life is that Czechs are so outdoorsy, have great parks and incredibly well-marked hiking trails. These days gave me great joy. Here are a few glimpses:

Průhonický Park (my favorite park right outside of Prague) with my lovely friend, Jo
April 29
10 km walked

Divoká Šarka with Stacy

May 1

16 km walked

(not so many pictures this day, but a lovely day to be out)

Town of Ořech to Karlštejn with Stacy

May 8

22 km walked (and this one I'm rather proud of... it's the kind of hike that prompts Czechs to say, "You're not American, you're Czech!" 😁)

not quite halfway into the hike... 11.5 to Karlštejn!

Made it! Quite tired, but accomplished. I'm happy to report that my feet did quite well in my Chacos. 😄

forgot to keep tracking at a point in the middle, so it's this plus another 2 km or so

Good Friday reflection: brokenness to restoration

Do you know the story of the Ragman? I know it from our Easter sunrise service - every so many years it's one we do as a drama and I was reminded of it as my parents shared that they'll be doing it again this Easter. Basically, a man walks through the streets of a city, calling out that he'll give new rags for old ones. He comes across a woman sobbing with heartbreak, gives her a clean handkerchief for her used one, and he walks away sobbing as she sits there in peace. He takes a child's blood-soaked bandage from her head, which then becomes a bleeding wound on is own head while she now has not even a scar. He takes a jacket from a one-armed man and as he gives the new jacket, the man's arm is restored while the Ragman now is missing an arm. And he takes the blanket of a drunk, offering new clothes while he himself staggering away, now the drunk. He hobbles outside the city, crying, bleeding, staggering, where he finally lays down and dies. And yet the teller of the story is awakened 2 days later to find the Ragman alive and without any of the sorrow that he carried, and he invites the Ragman to dress him in new clothes (for the actual story, you can read here).

I'm deeply touched by this story this week. Over the past months, I've carried much pain, sorrow and heaviness from my own weaknesses and failures and the battle against lies and evil in the world around me. My brokenness is ever present. And yet our Beautiful Savior willingly took on all of this, not so that it disappears completely, but so that I don't have to carry the burden of it. Out of his love he chose. He chose to take it on himself. He choose to endure for ME.

Yet it was our weaknesses he carried;
    it was our sorrows that weighed him down...
 He was pierced for our rebellion,
    crushed for our sins.
He was beaten so we could be whole.
    He was whipped so we could be healed.     (Isaiah 53:4-5) 

 I'm profoundly humbled and grateful. I'm completely undeserving of such grace and mercy, unworthy of such infinite love that suffered so horrifically so that....
So that I could be free of the burden of sin.
So that I can be redeemed and don't need to live under heaviness.
So that he can offer beauty for ashes, joy for mourning and praise for despair.
So that I could be restored to him as pure and faultless and worthy.
So that he can enjoy unencumbered intimacy with me and delight in me, and I in him.
So that I can live in the freedom of the glory that He designed me for.

I really can't even fathom this. But this year I've been given a whole new awareness of this amazing sacrifice. I'm eternally grateful.

So I'll stand with arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the One who gave it all
I'll stand, my soul, Lord, to you surrendered
All I am is Yours

One of the most meaningful songs I've experienced in this season.

His dwelling among, and within, us

Last week as I was visiting a different city, I sat for a few minutes in a beautiful old church. Above me a high frescoed dome; in front of me an ornate altar surrounded by majestic stone walls. And around me sitting many others, gazing forward or heads bowed in silence. And I wondered, what is the motivation behind all of these people are sitting here? Are they tourists, like me? Did they come to take in the architecture and art and atmosphere? Or did they come looking for a few moments of something larger than themselves, a few minutes of peace?

As I think about the European culture in which I live, connecting with God, in any context, does not seem like a priority for most people. And yet there are specific moments (Christmas and Easter, especially, or as a tourist) when people do enter these churches. Is it only tradition, or is that they feel like they should make an effort to give God a few minutes of respect, and the church is the place to do it? Is it an opportunity to find a moment of peace and reflect on something larger than yourself? Or an effort to connect with God? But it's only a brief moment, happening inside those walls. Are these old churches the only places that are seen as sacred - THE place to experience something of God?

In this Advent season, the season of hope and expectation, as I sat in this church and wondered at the people sitting around me, I was impressed with the image of the Son of God born as a human baby, living among us, and as the result of his life, death and resurrection, he established the ability to send the Spirit to dwell within us. It's no longer necessary to meet with God in a specific place, because we have become the temple of God; we commune with him anytime and anywhere. “I will ask the Father and he will give you another Counselor to be with you – the spirit of Truth...you know him, for he lives with you and will be in you.” (John 14:16-17) And I was struck with what an incredible gift this is. I don't know the hearts of the people around me, what their intention was in being in that church building. And I recognize that these incredible churches can be great symbols of the majesty and holiness of God and inspire reverent worship. But it also saddened me to think that many don't recognize that what they might experience in a few moments of silence in a grand church building is also accessible for each of us personally, in any and every moment of our lives. We only need to recognize it and accept it.

I pray that in this season that you will experience the fullness of this precious gift – the gift of God with us. Not just the mystery of our Messiah experiencing life as one of us, but the magnificence of God living within his beloved creations in the form of his still, quiet presence. Our hearts the sacred dwelling place of the Wonderful Counselor and Prince of Peace. He has become infinitely accessible. Let every heart prepare Him room!

Arise shine, for your light has come, and the glory of the Lord rises upon you. Isaiah 60:1

12 months

Four years ago I created a birthday list - a list of things I wanted to try in the following year. It was a fun challenge and interesting to look back on to see what I did experience.

Since next year is a more "significant" birthday and because it helps me to find ways to celebrate a birthday, another year, and life in general, I want to make it a goal to have a new experience or activity to challenge myself (maybe step out of my comfort zone) once a month for the next 12 months. Maybe it's like a birthday present to me - to find something to enjoy each month.😊 It also helps to me plan ahead a little bit... otherwise a month easily comes and goes without any intentionality. Or I struggle to think of something and make it happen within the time frame. So I'm creating at least a brief outline now, in the hopes that it inspires each month. Currently on the list:

• speak Czech in a situation where I'd be intimidated to try (this will most likely will begin this monthly challenge - I'll have the opportunity on Sunday to share in front of my church how I'm doing and what they can pray for)
• visit a place I've wanted to see in the Czech
• learn how to do something new (maybe take a painting class? maybe something else...)
• Invite someone for a meal who I've never invited before
• do a creative/hand-made project
• attend a ples (Czech prom - and this one is already scheduled for January)

and a couple possibilities that I'm considering:

• write a worship song 
• make svíčkova (my favorite Czech meal, which takes some time to make) with ingredients that I can eat
• go on an overnight river trip
• attend one of my choir's trips or mladez trips (this one would be extremely challenging for me because of language and because of the group setting... which is why I'm not sure I want it officially on the list...)
• hike Half Dome in Yosemite (this one is very dependent on receiving the permit required to do it, and a very limited amount are given out every year. But I can put my name in for the lottery drawing and see what happens!)

Can you think of others to add? I'd love to hear your ideas!

Christmas is coming, the carp is getting fat...

It seems in the US the Christmas countdown has 2 groups ... those who start listening to Christmas music as early as possible, love all the excitement and a couple months ago posted "100 days left till Christmas" (and will keep posting the countdown update throughout the season), and those who definitely won't have anything to do with it until after Thanksgiving and even then it's iffy.

In the Czech, there is no Thanksgiving, so Christmas basically starts in November - though it's never  to the extent that Americans do it. But all around are signs of Christmas, and friends are asking if I've started Christmas shopping or what plans are for Christmas. In case you don't remember, Christmas holidays are December 24-26 - all three days are State holidays. I'm not sure yet what my plans will be, but I still have time. :)

I look forward to the Christmas season in Prague. Because the winter is so dark and cold, for at least 1 month there are lights and decorations and Christmas markets and all kinds of Christmas events. It makes the otherwise dreary season quite festive. So I'm counting down... 14 days until the first Christmas market opens! :)

What has been fun this year is that my choir is singing Handel's Messiah. Not the whole thing, but a number of the more well-known chorus pieces. A fun challenge for me is that I've always sung soprano, and this year I'm singing alto. And even more fun is that the Czechs don't know the Messiah, so it's exciting to explain that it's so commonly sung in the US around Christmas. And for once in this group I feel like I have a small part to contribute with pronunciation. Let me first say that I admire Czechs who have learned or are learning English (especially because so many know multiple languages), but one thing about Czech, and most other languages, is that they don't contain the "th" sound. It often comes out sounding like "d" or "t" at the beginning of word and "s" at the end of words. So funny story from the other evening at rehearsal... we were practicing "And the glory of the Lord" and the last line is "the mouth of the Lord hath spoken it." Except that "mouth" comes out more like "mouse"... resulting in the mouse of the Lord speaking. :) Oh, the joys of language and culture.

Worship is key

Today I bought a piano.

Maybe that's not a big deal for some of you, but for me it's somewhat of a renewal. Although I spent a good portion of my life playing, through university and later as worship leader in my church for several years, in the past years (too many years) I confess I've played rarely. When I moved to Prague, it didn't seem overly important and for the most part I didn't miss it. While I VERY occasionally played with a worship team here, otherwise I have no opportunities to play. And for as often as I play just for myself, it didn't seem worth it.

But recently something has shifted.

As background, it's been a challenging year in a variety of ways. Connections and work have felt in general more draining than life-giving. God has revealed a few areas that I've not surrendered to him and it's a difficult process of working through it and knowing how to overcome it (kicking and screaming in some areas). I've struggled with being fully committed to the diet (read "lifestyle of eating") that I should follow for my health. I'm recognizing how many lies I've told myself and believed for years and years, and it's a constant battle to recognize them and replace them with truth. I'm feeling a lack of vision for the fall and its activities and not finding much that I'm really looking forward to. And I've found it difficult to find places and times of true rest this year. It all weighs heavily and it's difficult to find my joy in the midst of it all.

But recently God has been igniting a desiring to worship more and in it, to play more. To play my worship.  And so a couple of weeks ago I started looking around to see what's available. I found a used digital piano being sold and even went to try it, but wasn't convinced I liked its touch. But otherwise wasn't excited about anything I was finding and wondered if I should just wait and see what else used came up in the coming months, since buying new seemed expensive and it didn't seem urgent.

And then this past week I was at my organization's European retreat in Austria and I volunteered to lead one of the worship times.  Afterwards, several people affirmed my gift in leading worship, which was encouraging. And completely God. Because honestly, I was nervous, not having played in so long and not having led worship in even longer. One comment in particular, offered after the prayer time for me (every worker shares what has been going on and how others can pray, and I had shared about some of the struggles mentioned above), was that "worship is key". At that point he didn't know I played piano or led worship. He didn't know I was considering getting a piano. But for me, that comment confirmed my desire and my decision, if only to make it a commitment to spend personal time in worship.

 It also reemphasized something someone prayed over me years ago - specifically praying over my hands to play worship and exhorting me to play and create. That God will do much through my worship. At the time I don't think I was very diligent with it, but the word hasn't left my mind. Right now, getting a piano and being intentional about worshiping means that I'll have a better place - a place that connects with my heart - to express my worship. And I know in the midst of worship we are lifted above our current circumstances - above what feels like is weighing me down. A place where I can find joy and trust. That I'm looking forward to.