What does not satisfy

This week my teammate, Stacy, comes back after being gone for 9 1/2 months. I never wanted to be working without team in a foreign country. The past months I've done it. I just read through the blog I posted when she left (Rootedness). I was right: it was hard and it was good. I've made stronger connections without her. I've had moments of feeling lost. I've gained friends who are willing to be there for me in my vulnerability. I've had weekends of loneliness not knowing who to spend time with. I've been more intentional to have guests in my home and celebrate holidays with others. I've recognized more of my weaknesses and dependence on things and people outside of Christ.

That last one is a big one. I'm still in a process of learning contentment in Jesus alone - that He is my source of identity and affirmation. Maybe it's a lifelong process. But I think especially as a single person living alone this strong desire for consistent, meaningful relationships has been highlighted. And when I don't have the fulfillment in human relationships and am not seeking completeness in Christ, I look to any sign that I'm accepted and remembered.

This desire expresses itself in various ways. Especially when I'm home alone, whether I'm studying Czech, planning lessons or watching a movie, I've become aware of how often I look at my phone. For an email, a fb message, even an Instagram or fb like. I have this inner voice crying, "Please notice me. Validate my existence. Tell me I'm worth something." This craving to be recognized. The sad thing is that it's not real relationship. This habit is a craving for something this is simply fleeting, the joy of being remembered gone an instant later.  Isaiah puts it, "Why spend money on what is not bread, and your labor on something that does not satisfy?" I spend my time and focus on a hope of a moment of "connection". (Or the Message says "Why spend your money on junk food, your hard-earned cash on cotton candy?" What tastes so good in the moment gives no nourishment for the long run. Also quite literally an issue as my body does best without gluten, dairy and... sugar. But my chocolate! And cheese! And bread and cookies!  :( Also another area in which I seek comfort other than in God, but that's another issue - or at least a side trail of the same issue.)  I long for something that truly satisfies and nourishes, and so often I look for it elsewhere... in superficial, in easily accessible, in what tastes and feels good if only for a brief moment.

Isaiah goes on...
"Listen to me and eat what is good and your soul will delight in the richest of fare."

I recognize true satisfaction comes only in Jesus. I long for this rich fare, for what is good and wholly nourishing. With Jesus. And with other people as we are the body of Christ together. Speak to my soul. Rest in the satisfaction of enjoying a feast. Have a real conversation. Something meaningful.  Something I'm learning, something God is doing, something I'm battling with. Listen and encourage and be encouraged. I have some of those moments, but they seem too rare. Too often I feel like language gets in the way. And time and busyness and families and school and work and all kinds of distractions... they all get in the way. Of real fellowship with Jesus and with Jesus in others. I long for more that for a myriad of reasons rarely happens. So I ask myself: When are those moments that it can happen - should happen - and I simply miss it? I become distracted spending my energy on what isn't filling - it's the cotton candy. Or I just plain avoid it... because, why? I'm afraid? What would really happen, except probably good?  I'm tired of seeking satisfaction in the things that don't last - in the junk food and cotton candy. Lord, give me the passion and discipline and courage to partake in what is truly good, what my soul can truly delight in and leave all the rest behind.