This year the reflection is also taking place. Maybe even at a deeper level, because this is 40. Yes, 40. I didn't want to admit it for the longest time. It feels like such an old number. I don't feel 40. Most people tell me I don't look 40. But I've had 40 years of life and experiences, of relationships and growth. And I've come to accept what is and not be ashamed of it.
Life still doesn't look like I ever imagined it would (not sure what I did imagine, but definitely never imagined living in Prague, among many other things!). But this year I do have a new perspective. As I've looked back, I've seen God's faithfulness and how much I have been given. I'm focusing on the "haves" and not the "have nots". And God has placed in me a fresh vision and joy. He has transformed my identity from victim to beloved. Beauty instead of ashes, praise in place of heaviness. He's shifted my need to control and fix to trust and surrender, my expectations (of him and others) to release and grace and thanksgiving, all in ways I never could have imagined. Not by easy roads, but necessary ones. I'm overwhelmed by the goodness and richness that has come through a thoroughly open heart and willingness to walk through pain, surrender and dying to self in the past couple years. By no means am I at a perfect place, but I've experienced God's pleasure and delight in my pursuit and know a grace in my imperfection that swells my heart with gratitude.
So now, as I reflect on another year, instead of regret and feelings of being held out on, I carry an anticipation: for an even deeper and intimate walk with Jesus. For experiencing more of the true Body of Christ in vulnerability and sacrifice. For what God is doing in loved ones. For a hope of healing in lives that he will bring through pastoral and healing training I'm pursuing. For how his love and grace is being reflected through me. For how my life and journey and transformation brings hope and inspiration to others. I no longer question that he IS using me. I hear his voice of affirmation speak in my soul and voices of his people speak to my heart. I may still question HOW he will use me, but it's less in doubt than in expectation. And I'm deeply humbled and grateful.
And as I have reflected and experienced profound gratitude, I also realized that as much as I want to be celebrated on my birthday, I also want to be able to give and bless others. There is joy in being able to bless, knowing how much I have been blessed with. So moving forward, my choice for the next 40 days (which, incidentally, takes me up to Christmas), is to find a way to intentionally bless/give to someone each day - something out of the ordinary or that I wouldn't automatically do. It's not a "rule" - that I'll feel I've failed if I don't do it (because that's occasionally how I've operated in the past) - but an opportunity to experience the joy of giving. The joy of sharing and sacrificially giving. So if I choose to bless you, don't steal my joy by denying me the opportunity. :) Here's to the next 40 years of God's graciousness.
P.S. And for those who are interested and read my reflection last year, I had made it a goal to do something intentional each month - an experience I wanted to have, to learn something new, to challenge myself in something... some months were harder than others, but it did help me to make an effort to find new opportunities and have the accomplishment of completing something worthwhile and life-giving. I'm also really grateful for these experiences and the motivation and intentionality God gave in order for me to live life more fully. A few examples from the year:
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| Ples: you were supposed to throw money in the parachutes |
- attending a ples (graduation ball) of one of the youth girls
- composing a couple of songs - one thus far without words and one with words (that still needs to be edited)
- traveling to 3 new countries
- sharing an announcement/invitation with the youth group in Czech (speaking with a small group is one thing, sharing in front of 50 people, something completely different!)
- making a surprise visit home to meet my nephew
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| Seder meal |
- visiting a new castle in the Czech
- going bobsledding in Prague (without snow! 😄)
- inviting a Czech friend from choir for lunch
- experiencing Easter and Seder meal with Czech friends
- painting a picture
- teaching myself script lettering
- engaging with family members in more open and vulnerable ways
- running a 10k in less than an hour
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