all that matters

Pondering these thoughts from Tim Keller's "The Reason for God":

Our need for worth is so powerful that whatever we base our identity and value on we essentially "deify"...Identity apart from God is inherently unstable. Without God, our sense of worth may seem sold on the surface, but it never is - it can desert you in a moment. If something goes wrong, there is no "me" left. If anything threatens your identity you will not just be anxious but paralyzed with fear.  

Christ says, "Give me ALL. I don't want just this much of your time and this much of your money and this much of your work - so that your natural self can have the rest. I want you. Not your things. I have come not to torture your natural self... I will give you a new self instead. Hand over the whole natural self - ALL the desires, not just the ones you think wicked but the ones you think innocent - the whole outfit. I will give you a new self instead. (this paragraph by C.S. Lewis)

Maybe this strikes me because I've struggled with identity in the past. I distinctly remember one moment years ago when I was wrestling with letting go of an identity I was known by, because in letting it go it seemed like there would be nothing of "me" left. My identity was often wrapped up in my accomplishments and being good at the things I attempted (often exhibiting itself as perfectionism) and needing approval of other people. But a friend reminded me that if my identity is in Christ and I fail, I haven't lost anything. He loves me regardless of what I can or cannot do.

And yet certain circumstances tend to bring it back...  Can I be content and trust when what I'm doing feels simplistic and unimportant, knowing that ultimately it's following Jesus that gives me worth? Can I, as Brother Lawrence, relish the time "peeling potatoes" to be with God?  Not focus on the status of responsibility. Or needing people to see me as something special. Or even the desire to be liked. So again, I take inventory of my life: are the things I long for only what I think will give me the identity I seek? Or can I let go of them and allow Jesus to replace them with his desires? It's tough, because I do seek value.

But all that matters is that my value is in the eyes of the Maker.*


*For more, read Max Lucado's "You are Special" - one of my very favorite books. :)

a few of my favorite things

A list of some of the things I really miss from home ...

• chocolate peanut butter (aka Reese's) and chocolate mint
• having space to host guests
• 4 part harmony, and harmony in general
• being able to see sunsets from my parents' house
• my mom's cooking
• running with a friend
• driving
• American cereal
• playing ultimate frisbee
• singing familiar worship songs in a language I know
• spending time with family and friends

...and some things that I really appreciate about Prague and this culture.

• good public transportation
• bread, bread and more bread - and all of it fresh!
• seeing loads of families out for walks on nice days
• the love of mushrooms
• teenagers who love to sing
• many beautiful parks
• outdoor markets
• little hole-in-the-wall cafes and restaurants all over the city
• that Czech people are very active
• really well-marked hiking trails all over the country
• spending time with new Czech friends

So you want to learn Czech?

Unfortunately, I can read Czech better than I can speak or listen. So one of the activities I do with two of my language partners is to have them describe a picture while I record it, and then we listen to it together and review any words or sentences that I don't understand.  It's a good way for me to learn new vocab, as well as learn to listen to the language for understanding and hear the structure of sentences and how cases are used.

If you want to know what Czech sounds like, here's your opportunity!  This is my friend Daniela describing the picture (in much slower speech than normal conversation, which may contribute to me being able to understand most of it. :) )  Enjoy!

Czech tradition at its finest

I feel like I had a real Czech old-country experience over the weekend.  Stacy and I went away for the weekend to a retreat center.  There wasn't a whole lot to do in the area, but we were told about a 300 year-old tavern nearby.  While it took a bit to find the place (another story), it certainly gave the appearance of old times.  Very low lighting; maybe 3 light-bulbs in the place, which were obscured to give the effect of no electricity.  The waitress lit the candle on our table when we sat down, which at least allowed us to see what we were eating.  Old log beams, wooden benches and tables (kind of reminded me of our butchering table, family - definitely not a "normal" smooth, wooden table), and various other antiques.  A cat laying on the floor and then wandering around to be picked up and petted by other customers (we were warned about the cat, with an expression of amazement that the health department was not involved).

See that little white/black/brown speck on the floor?  That's the cat.

And then the food.  Typical Czech: fatty and heavy.  I wasn't that hungry, so I ordered soup.  Garlic soup. Very traditional, and good. I wanted something simple to go with it and they had various appetizers of bread.  The menu was hard to read because it looked handwritten (just added to the overall effect of the place) and Stacy wasn't sure of the one word that seemed to be listed with all the bread options (I, of course, had no idea). The waitress (also dressed in what looked like a traditional costume, by the way), described it as "something like butter, but not butter.  It doesn't really have a taste.  But it's good."  So I went with it.  What I got was 2 slices of homemade rye bread (typical bread for this country, which, fortunately, I enjoy - that part was not a surprise) slathered with lard and topped with green onions.  Yep, lard.  I was determined to eat at least most of it, since it felt like it had to be a cultural experience. I'm just not a big fan of eating fat.  And it wasn't bad - I think it was more the thought of what I was eating. But it was an adventure, and that made the meal so much more memorable. And really, it was a lovely place.  Totally worth the fat. :)

to walk by faith

The other week I lost a contact.  I don't know how; I just just walking along the street when I felt it slide down my face and disappear.  Now, my contacts are not disposable.  I've had one pair for the past 5 years, and I'm not looking to replace either of them anytime soon.  In fact, I'm not even sure if I can get in Prague the same type of lenses.  So needless to say, I immediately froze and rather fearfully yelled "Help!" to my friends who were a few steps ahead of me.

If you've ever looked for a contact, you know it's rather tedious.  First, I freeze in place, because any step could crush the lens that could be anywhere.  Bending over, trying to see with my one good eye (which is rather difficult as I'm now half-blind and disoriented since my depth perception is off), I scour the pavement and cobblestone for the speck of clear blue.  We gently shake out my scarf and brush off my coat.  I eventually get brave enough to take a step away from the spot to see if it's by my feet.  Nothing.  But after several minutes with 3 of us searching, Jess exclaims, "There it is!" and points to the spot of dirt between 2 cobblestones.  Sure enough.  Vision restored.

How similar this is to my faith at times.  With 2 good eyes, I walk knowingly and confidently, maybe not even noticing when I exercise faith.  Even with 2 bad eyes I can take steps; steps that are very much in faith as the unknown is in front of me.  But with one good eye and one bad eye, when I'm not purposefully holding on to faith and let doubt and fear in, I end up frozen, disoriented and confused - afraid to take a step because I'm not at all confident where the next step should be. I fear that my foot will land where it shouldn't and cause irreparable damage.

How much I need the lens of faith!  To enable me to walk confidently and purposefully.  To enable me to see clearly; maybe not always physically, but sure of my spiritual vision.  To walk unfaltering, knowing that even if my step isn't precisely "right", my God is in the midst of it and is able to restore anything I mess up.  Unlike my contact, though, I don't think I can find that kind of faith.  It can only be bestowed upon me and claimed.  Oh, to claim the fresh vision of faith for each moment!

with a friend

Loved, loved, loved having my dear friend Jess with me last week, especially because she was willing to experience all of life with me - my church, friends here, even sitting in McDonald's for hours while I had my Czech lessons and walking up the hill to my house. :)  And in the midst of a time period where I'm still figuring out what "normal" looks like for me here, it was wonderful to have someone around to interact with and make my days a little more eventful.  Maybe not surprisingly, we explored a few parks - in the rain and in the snow.  And did manage to do a few "real" touristy things as well, including seeing the Czech Philharmonic, one of the world's top orchestras.  As she's on her own assignment for the next 4 years, it could be many, many months till I see her again.  It makes last week even more precious.

So, just a few glimpses of more life here:

This was near the end of about a 13 km hike, when we really weren't sure how close we were to being back and had practically run the last few km because I was on the verge of missing my Czech lesson.  Fortunately, the park beginning of the trail was essentially right around the corner.

We're very happy to be back at the beginning. :)

The Rudolfinum, Prague Philharmonic's concert hall

Holiday faithfulness

This was a hard Christmas season.

Being away from family during this season was difficult to begin with.  I missed baking cookies together, opening stockings, having big family dinners...  I think I mentioned all that in an earlier blog.  I wasn't looking forward to being alone while all the foreigners I knew (i.e. those with whom I can easily communicate in English) were gone for the holiday.

And then... I got shingles.  Which made me not want to move for two weeks and then were insanely itchy for two more weeks.

And then... my Grandma passed away.  Again, I missed being with family to grieve and attend the funeral.

And yet.

I got to experience Christmas with a Czech family and was so blessed by their welcome and hospitality.

I did see family - my cousin in person, and through Skype got to spend a little time with my whole family as they gathered.

It was so good to connect with fellow EMMers in Germany and be able to identify and understand "newness" to the field.

And despite being alone on the in-between days, it was a blessing to have time to relax, process, and build my hope and expectation of what God wants to do in the coming months.  Despite being hard, it was good.  As I look back on it and recognize that any one of those things could have been really difficult, God was faithful through it.  It wasn't horrible. In fact, for the most part I was sustained with peace and am grateful for moments of connection with people.  He is faithful (maybe not coincidentally, I just noticed that at this time last year I also posted on faithfulness!). Along with Paul, I can praise God for his indescribable gift of grace poured out in so many ways this Christmas.